What Love should be...

This morning, I had breakfast at a hawker centre. To all readers out there not from Singapore, it means a simple open-air no-frills food court where food is cheap and good. This is the place where people from the neighbourhood come to buy their groceries, have some food and catch up with neighbours and friends. It is very casual, everybody is in their shorts and worn-out t-shirts and the crowd is purely Asian. If there are any Caucasians eating there, they would be subject to double and triple takes from the retirees who are enjoying their morning cuppa.

I sat down with my bowl of noodles next to a Filipino lady and an old lady in a wheelchair. The wheelchair had extra extensions added to its basic structure to support the fragile patient. I would surmise that this poor lady has had a stroke. She needed the extra support to hold her body upright and support her neck and head. She was making unintelligible guttural sounds trying to express herself. To look at her, you have to feel a bit sorry for her as her quality of life must be quite unpleasant. Her caregiver was talking to her and asking her questions in which she would answer with loud 'errhhh' and 'arnngg' sounds. She was all of herself but trapped in an unresponsive body. While I am a normally very curious person, I didn't want to discomfort the old lady with any rudeness by looking at her. She would have had enough of it on a daily basis and I remembered how much my Gran used to hate being stared at while she was in a wheelchair.

I bent down to my food determined to give her some privacy. I could still follow the conversation that was going on next to me. At one point, the caregiver said, "I know you don't want to eat this, but this is your husband's food not yours. He'll be here soon after he gets you your coffee." My mind noted that there was a husband. I thereby was shocked when at the corner of my eye, a older Caucasian man sat down next to the old lady in the wheelchair (I'll call her Auntie). He cheerfully greeted Auntie with a "Hi darling, you okay with your food?" Wow, my mind reeled at the new situation. Auntie was married to a Caucasian!

To give this situation some context, our older generation barely had any cross-marriages. You married within your race. If you were a rebel, you married out of your race with another Asian race. To have married a Caucasian would have been frowned upon by our family and society. This Auntie did it, she must have been quite brave to have bucked the society's pressures. In Singapore's colonial past, we were left with this weird mentality that Caucasians are better than Asians. It's a mentality that no longer grips us but occasionally it rears its ugly head. In Singapore, most Asian ladies with Caucasian partners are gorgeous. They are svelte and sexy with great fashion dress sense and are always dressed up to the nines. That's the stereotype.

Back to my next table at the hawker centre. Auntie's husband (Uncle) was not handsome, but he was pretty charming. He looked healthy and from the way he spoke, he had been living in Singapore for quite some time. He was very familiar with the food and the Singlish we spoke. He spoke very lovingly to Auntie at all times, he fed her mouthfuls of her food and drink. One of the drink stall's owner came by to sit and chat with them. What I really appreciated was that Uncle included Auntie in the conversation too. Asking her if she was familiar with a particular road in Singapore, if she was comfortable and if she needed anything else. Auntie obviously couldn't express herself much, but she understood everything.

There she was with her grey and white hair standing up, drooling in her pajamas, strapped to a chair, needing to be fed and looked after just as if she was a baby... She had a partner who loved her through his actions. She had a partner that despite all the difficulties, still spoke to her lovingly and included her in his life. He didn't leave all the caring to the caregiver, but was active in feeding her, cleaning her and talking to her. I was totally humbled. There was beauty in this little snippet I was given an opportunity to witness. This was real love. Patience and devotion in bad times. He understood that while Auntie was dealt a bad card, he would do his best to make ride it out with her.

I want that type of love for myself and for my loved ones. I am mature enough to understand that it takes both partners to make that happen. I know that it won't happen overnight and you need to constantly work at keeping the love alive as the both of you grow together. And just sometimes, you grow while your partner stagnants. As in Auntie's case, she has stagnated not by choice but by misfortune. So do we just give up and pursue our own happiness?

Too often, we subscribe to a fairytale love. Soaring and out-of-control emotions of passion, overwhelming urges and desires in romantic rituals. When reality sets in, disillusion is frequently experienced and most often we seek the exit. How many divorces happen because we do not remember our vows? Life's not going to always be great. There are going to be ups and there are downs. But the whole point is this... If you love someone, you have to show it. You have to work at love and loving yourself and your loved ones. If you don't do it, how will you experience the true concept of love?

Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don't know how to replenish its source. It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of witherings, of tarnishings. Anais Nin

Struggling with your decisions...

I have a 13 year old Dalmatian Cross breed dog. I adopted her when she was a lil squirming ball of black fur with dalmatian chest and socks. She was the cutest thing. I named her Spooky. She looked like a lil cute halloween costume. I instantly loved her to bits, and when my brother and I drove her back to our home, she was squirming all over, trying to nibble my fingers, my nose, my ears... I never forgot that moment.

I also never forgot how we bonded closer when I took her for obedience classes. Boy, did she make me proud. She would obey my instructions, while looking at me lovingly. She never let me down. Even when I got married, moved out of my parents' home, had children of my own. She was with me all the way. She let my 2 young daughters pet (whack her head in their enthusiasm) her, pull her tail, scratch her belly, only retaliating with slimy licks now and then.

Did I sometimes forget her even while in her presence? Of course I did. It was inevitable. We are selfish creatures, and our own needs and wants came first. My daughters came first. But I never really forgot her. What I did was take her for granted. My darling Spooky never minded. She was always there for us, and she treasured every bit of attention and love we gave her.

At 10 years old, you could see that Spooky was no longer young but a grand old dame of a dog. She had arthritic pains of the hips, and couldn't get up as boisterously as she did before. What she lacked in grace, she made up for in determination. She pushed herself up slowly but surely and gave it her all. She became blind in one eye due to cataract, and we quickly tried to save her vision by regularly dropping cataract eye drops in her other remaining eye. We fed her glucasamine supplements to help her joints. She had problems climbing up stairs and we would half support her up the stairs in her walks.

Spooky never really gave us much problems. She was that much of a darling. I can honestly say she made an ideal pet. She's cute. She's intelligent. She's an excellent guard dog. She's quite scary and imposing (although she was a real marshmallow inside). She scares strangers silly with her loud barks. She's our doorbell (it works out well as our doorbell's always spoilt), alerting us to visitors with her barks. The only complaint I might have was her constant barking at her nemesis, the postman.

At 13 years old just 1 week back, out of the blue, Spook just couldn't stand. She was shivering in the rain, splayed out on the floor and couldn't get herself into shelter. We carried her to her spot, dried her with towels, rushed her to the vet. Sadly, she can't get better. She will never stand nor walk again. She probably has cancer of the liver and spleen from an ultrasound the clinic did on her. After 4 days at the animal hospital, we brought her back home. While she is happy to be back, she still doesn't really want to eat and drinks only a bit. I bet she dreams of getting up, rushing to the door to bark at the strangers. I never thought that I would be happier when I heard her barking at the postman.

The vet told me - A dog lives for food, play and sleep. When she can't do these, then what doe she live for? If that wasn't a big hint to me... If I were her, I would want to go to heaven. But am I right to make that decision for her? Is that my decision to make? Should I make that decision for her? Is euthanasia the way in this situation? I am struggling... I don't want to be one to make the final decision. I don't want to, but I might not have a choice...

What do I do now? How long do I drag in my escapism?

Fears, Phobias & Feelings...

There is something that I really fear... Being out of control. When there is a speed factor added to the feeling of being out of control, the simple fear becomes a constricting phobia. One of the moments of great phobia for me, was when my husband brought me to a ski slope for my very first time. Despite his best attempts at instruction, I could not grasp the rudiments of skiing at all, felt clumsy, completely lost, and totally panic stricken at the looming "steep" slope in front of me. It was a terror that has been imprinted in my mind and no matter what, it is something that I won't be able to forget no matter how much I would like to.


Recently, through the patience and good graces of my friends who are avid skiers (one of whom is actually a ski instructor), I actually managed to ski (and that was without my phobia choking me) and even managed to go down 2 green slopes. That is a big big big improvement of my dismal 1st attempt 10 years ago. I won't say that I am now very confident about skiing, and I definitely would not say that I love skiing. But what I did - I actually managed to conquer the fear/phobia sufficiently, to actually pick up the skillset of being a good beginner skier. That in itself is the achievement. Not the fact that I managed to ski down 2 green slopes.


The method in which my friend taught me was to explain the very basics of stopping, and what I needed to know to be comfortable in the sport of skiing. He then let me figure it out myself how to put the instruction into practice. He mentioned that he could get into the "over-explain" mode, and hence confuse me. So he would rather that he critique what I was doing, and guide me along to my own Eureka moment. It really helped that we were on a bunny slope and the slope was really gentle. It also helped that my pride didn't allow me to "chicken" out.


Just yesterday I was trying to explain the whole concept of phobias and fears to my husband and how I learnt that it was something that if you are determined enough with the right teachers, you can move beyond it. In an extremely defensive manner, he instead got really upset and started on how he tried his best and how was he to know the best way to teach me when his own friend taught him the way he taught me. He wanted me to understand how embarrassed he was at the fact that I kept recounting my 1st attempt of skiing to my friends and how it made him feel inept and totally useless. All of it was valid, I have to say. Unfortunately, in his ranting, it really didn't come across in the sensible way that I am recounting. What it made me feel even more confused and perplexed at how a recount of my own beating my phobia became something all about him and his ego. His accusations made me feel defensive and angry too.


He told me that all he wants to hear from me is a "thank you" for his attempts in teaching me, despite whether it was successful or not, and that's all he wants from me. I was quite taken aback, and in the midst of rising voices, I actually "apologised" and "thanked" him. I was not very happy doing it, and a lot of it had to do with the situation and delivery of words and the tone they were exchanged.


A whole night and most of a day's reflection and pondering later... I have to conclude - I am not sorry for feeling fear, and I am not sorry for recounting the story to my friends because they needed to know that I had a phobia to beat before they even took on the task of teaching me the sport of skiing. I really am that traumatised. On top of that, I am also not thankful to him for his teaching attempts, because at the very base of it all, I was scared shitless. It is damn hard to feel thankful when you are scared shitless. I think that point is also very valid.


However, what I will say is this. I am sorry that he felt inept and incompetent in his teaching. I am also sorry (I am most sincere in this point) that I was not that good enough a student to pick up his teaching style. I might be a good wakeboarder, but you will realise that the control is always with me. When in fear, just release the handle towing you, and you just bop in the water until the boat comes back for you. Easy Peasy... This doesn't happen in snow skiing, where in order to get the speed and thrills, you zoom down a steep slope FAST. Everything focuses on how you actually stop, which in my 1st attempt wasn't easy for me at all. Which brings us back to my phobia of losing control. In all fairness, he didn't know that about me, we were still a new couple. In fact, I don't think he knows that about me even after all these years. Who really talks in depth about our phobias?!


So now after the outburst, what we did achieve was having hurt and angry feelings on both sides, and a generally pettiness of not wanting to be near to each other, nor to talk to each other. I have come quite far, I actually recognised my escapist tendency in wanting to vent out and stew in anger, "punishing" the other party through cold torture. Instead what I did was to put it aside, and understand that in love, we do not do that and instead we need to embrace and take the first step in making amends. After all, in the light of the big picture, this is just a small little plop and hardly worth more negative energies that it received. I have reached out, and I still feel the chill.


My only question is this... Do I get any loving back? Do I go back to his good graces, or am I left out to hang until he decides I have received enough "punishment"? I can only say I don't think the answer is that easily answered. Isn't life grand?!!!

Babies Leaving the Roost

Just this weekend, I experienced something strange. Something that I had never experienced before. The feeling of emptiness and awkwardness when your precious baby leaves the roost.

This past weekend, my Leia at the ripe old age of 5 and a half, left home without her parents for the first time. It was a weekend holiday with her grandparents to Penang, Malaysia. Technically, it was just 3 and a half days, but what I would like to share is the indescribable feeling of loss, confusion and other conflicting what-nots. It was an inkling of what is to come when my Leia really grows up and lives her own life. And as her mother, the struggle I face in letting go and trusting her to lead her own life as best as she only can... I don't think any other person not going through this will fully comprehend.

While Leia was away, I had more time to myself, for my hubby G, and for my precious Anya (who was too young to follow her big sis). I treasured the time in which I could lavish more attention and love to Anya. I was happy with the time I could spend cooking delicacies in the kitchen. I cherished the actual conversations G and I had with minimum interruptions. Life was less harried and less chaotic than it would have been had Leia been around. It was almost (if I dare admit) a relief!

But aside from all that, I was struggling a bit emotionally. I felt empty and achy inside. In all of this, I was reminded that my lil (she is obviously not little now) baby is going to leave me. It is only a matter of time. This lil holiday jaunt of hers is just the start. I felt the tendrils of maternal protectiveness fluttering, and bemoaning the loss of Leia's dependence on me. It was almost as if my weekend was tinged with a tad of sorrow. I missed her, did she miss me?

As parents, we can't always hold on to our children and expect them to constantly follow your wishes. We need to learn to step back, let them walk their own paths, learn from their own mistakes and grow to be their unique self. This is the way it should be. It reminds me of my favourite poem by Kahlil Gibran. A perspective I aspire towards... To be there for them when they need me, to give them a strong foundation for which they can always depend on, and as Gibran puts it - To be the stable bow that they love, from which their arrows fly from...


On Children - by Kahlil Gibran

Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your life but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them,
but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

You are the bows from which your children
as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,
and He bends you with His might
that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies,
so He loves also the bow that is stable.

Working towards a Goal in your Marriage

My best friend's little sister Jo, just got herself engaged last Sunday. Going through her happy photos on her Facebook, I couldn't help but just "cringe" a little amid my feelings of happiness for her. It wasn't a case of sour grapes, let me assure you. It was more of - hey, that pure crazy overboard joy doesn't last... Mentally, I wanted to sling my arm across her shoulders, and sit her down to talk about the realities of marriage and partnership. However, I do know from my own experience, nobody at that time of happiness will really listen.

Is marriage bad? Of course not! I have now the experience of time and "wisdom" to temper my thoughts and emotions. Let me explain... In today's day and age where temptations abound, intrinsic selfishness encouraged, self gratification a given, and divorces commonplace, metaphorically real marriages are just not setting out on the right foot. Boy meets girl, boy likes girl, girl likes boy, followed by some dating, and if all is well, marriage happens. That's it. In most books and movies, the storyline always stops at the wedding. Then you get the "happily ever after" music in the background before the credits roll. That's not the way it is supposed to be. The real marriage happens after the wedding. That's where the real test is. That's where all your efforts need to go to.

The real person that is your mate, is not the mystical "the one" as Disney would like us to believe. It is the person that you are most compatible with, sharing the some goals, the same desires, and despite all the flaws that each person brings to the marriage, both parties in the marriage need to be committed to make it work. There is no special formula to follow to ensure a successful marriage. Just only a desire to ALWAYS make it work, and never give up on it. Giving up is easy, it is for chickens. Working at it is where the real fun is. Because if you do it right, the marriage will be all the stronger for it.

So what I learnt is this... 1) Always make an effort to communicate and talk about things, even the difficult things. There is no excuse to miscommunication, unless the other partner is not serious about the marriage. There is no right time to discuss the bad. It will always be a bad time. If we are all going to let the bad all pile up, when you blow like a volcano, the lava that explodes out is going to burn everything, even yourself. So really talk, really put aside your discomfort, your pride, your sad ways of clinging on to hurt, and really work at picking apart any issues that might be making you upset.

2) There are always 2 sides to anything. Each side, has its own basis, has its own reasoning, and has its own pattern of understanding. Hear each other out. Communication is all about trying to understand the other party and trying to work towards a compromise. Really hear each other out, instead of just listening to the words. Behind the words, there is pride, and if you really make an effort to listen beyond the pride, you will hear the real message. Treasure what is being shared, because when you lay aside your pride, you are at your most vulnerable. Don't stomp all over your partner's feelings. Gather what is being shared, listen to your own vulnerabilities, and be open back to your partner. If you don't open up, there won't be any real sharing or compromise.

3) Patience. Remember why you married your partner, why you love him/her. The differences between the both of you might drive you nuts, but it might also be why you love them. Patience is key here. Before you start going all active in your volcano eruptions, calm yourself down first, by asking if it would solve anything. Love and patience come together hand in hand. If you have to walk away to calm yourself down, do that. But don't go to bed angry. Sweet love doesn't happen when you are all worked up and angry.

It helps if you understand what you are working towards in the marriage. What both your goals are. Will Smith spoke in Oprah, that he has a business model in his marriage, where both he and Jada have a business goal. He said, all businesses have a goal, why shouldn't marriage? Good point. So, what is your goal. What do both parties within a marriage work towards. My goal (and my husband's) is to grow old gracefully together. At the end of our lives, we aspire to still care and love each other passionately, and to be still happy with each other. We will still hold hands and still be look at each other and laugh at each other. We are working towards our marriage goal. We are working hard... especially trying not to bring work stress and parenting stress to muddle up our marriage. Hard at times, but it is all worth it...

My 2 cents worth to marriage. :) I still look at my wedding pictures and think back to those heady dreamy happiness. I regret spending all that time and money trying to make the wedding perfect. But damn! I sure looked good... Now back to my diet plans to gain back my svelte figure... haha...

The HEART of a Home

I believe in every home, there will always be one person that the home revolves around. That person would be like the "soul" of the family, the one person that people go home to.

In my family, it would be my auntie. My auntie who never married, who dedicated her life to looking after my brother and me, and managing the household for my parents. She is my mom's elder sis and her work is so much more important than just going to the office and doing paperwork. Her work is intrinsically precious. It involves infusing the home with love and togetherness.

My brother and I have since moved out after marriage, forming our own families. But what we are, my auntie contributed greatly. She taught us the basics of caring, and nourishing the family. She showed us the grace in which to manage the household efficiently, and she gave us the benchmark for us to work towards in our own small family. When we go home, something is always not right when my auntie is not around. The home feels empty and neglected. You feel her absence with a distinct pang.

The food my auntie places on our tables, we taste our childhood, we taste our joy and her love. The simple things she buys for us, shows us her love and concern. She knows our likes and dislikes, and she caters as much as she can to us. She keeps us together when we fight and squabble, and reminds us of what is important. She constantly admonishes us to drop our pride, and understand the real value of family. She is the glue that keeps us together. My auntie is priceless...

We take her for granted, and we always assume that she will always be around for us. But time never stops, and before we know it, she would have gone to heaven. The soul of my family would be gone, and it would fall on me and my brother to carry on the tradition of keeping the family together with love. You can't trade family for anything. Family is what you are born with, and will stay with you throughout your entire life. They will be there for you when you need it, and will always be there to support you and give you courage to move forward in your life.

I can only hope that I have my auntie's grace, and that I am the soul of my young family. I sincerely hope that my daily care and love gives my husband and daughters joy. May my food nourish their bodies as well as their souls. My children will grow up, leave home and form their own families. I pray that they will always come home to me, no matter what...

The Passing of Days and Thoughts

So, it has been 3 years since I last wrote in this lil blog of mine. It took a nice comment from Christian (thanks Chris!) to make me re-visit it. I read what I wrote 3 years ago and I realise that I truly like what I wrote. I also liked reading my thoughts then, and comparing my present feelings and thoughts. What has changed? What has progressed and matured in me, and what is it that I am dissatisfied with?

Deep thoughts, simple thoughts, they all lead to one thing. With awareness, you are able to understand yourself deeper and you are able to feel life for what it is, instead of just plain cruising through it.

3 years down the road, I am still struggling through what life hands out to me. Struggling gives a connotation that my life is hard. That is not really true. I can safely say I am "happy". There are good days, there are bad days. But I go through the bad days, remembering the good days, remembering that in life, only I can choose to be "happy". Nobody can make me happy, but myself. The key is, how I choose to react to life's moments. Therein lies my "struggle". To be generally "happy" through ALL my days, with grace.

In light of all this, I am going to make myself a promise. To write often in this blog. To chronicle my passing of days and thoughts. I guess it can be a window to myself, for my children. When Leia and Anya are adults in their own right, this can be their inspiration to life. My small legacy of what is innately ME. Not necessarily in their perception, of just their mom. But another person that they never knew. I love them so much, I have no words to express the depth of my emotions. May they grow up well, may they grow up beautiful, both inside as well as outside. May they understand the power of love, and have it in them to enjoy love in its entirety. May they always have the strength and courage to just be themselves, and still be happy. May they understand that it is only with obstacles and hardships that you truly learn, and you truly progress. Above all else, may they understand that I will always be with them every step of the way, whether they want it or not. (Note : I might have the makings of a Stalker!)

It is funny now, looking back at my younger days. I have been seriously naughty. I am glad my parents didn't really know how naughty! I would have forever been grounded. I think I would give myself nightmares trying to imagine the level of naughtiness my daughters will be getting themselves into, given the stuff that I did do... I only have this to say in my defense - I am not where I am today (I am in a good place - trust me!), if I didn't go through all those episodes of craziness, stupidity and rebellion. (Note to self : Read this mantra over and over again, when I am banging my head over future teenage rebellion!)

What do I want to focus on now in my life? Firstly, my husband. It has taken a series of unfortunate events to realise that my neglection of him has been gross. Yes, we got stuck in the rut of parenthood. Parenthood won't ever go away, but we can try to bring the magic of who we are, back into our lives again, and re-discover each other's beauty. That would be all the fun in itself! The re-discovery and the romance of being together because we chose to. Being committed to true communication and truly being there for each other.

Secondly, I want to concentrate on not coveting what I do not need to have. To be content and yet strive for better without all the distracting "I WANTs". If I can't have whatever it is now, then I could have it later if it all works out. But I will not make myself miserable just because I cannot have it now. So there!

Thirdly, since my dream is to be a author and get published with my very own successful novel, I need to get my ass moving! Get cracking and no procrastination is allowed! Start simmering the ideas, working out the story and start typing. I can't get published without a story. So please, let me be a good writer and let me work on something great so that I can fulfill my dreams and make myself even happier! :)