Working towards a Goal in your Marriage

My best friend's little sister Jo, just got herself engaged last Sunday. Going through her happy photos on her Facebook, I couldn't help but just "cringe" a little amid my feelings of happiness for her. It wasn't a case of sour grapes, let me assure you. It was more of - hey, that pure crazy overboard joy doesn't last... Mentally, I wanted to sling my arm across her shoulders, and sit her down to talk about the realities of marriage and partnership. However, I do know from my own experience, nobody at that time of happiness will really listen.

Is marriage bad? Of course not! I have now the experience of time and "wisdom" to temper my thoughts and emotions. Let me explain... In today's day and age where temptations abound, intrinsic selfishness encouraged, self gratification a given, and divorces commonplace, metaphorically real marriages are just not setting out on the right foot. Boy meets girl, boy likes girl, girl likes boy, followed by some dating, and if all is well, marriage happens. That's it. In most books and movies, the storyline always stops at the wedding. Then you get the "happily ever after" music in the background before the credits roll. That's not the way it is supposed to be. The real marriage happens after the wedding. That's where the real test is. That's where all your efforts need to go to.

The real person that is your mate, is not the mystical "the one" as Disney would like us to believe. It is the person that you are most compatible with, sharing the some goals, the same desires, and despite all the flaws that each person brings to the marriage, both parties in the marriage need to be committed to make it work. There is no special formula to follow to ensure a successful marriage. Just only a desire to ALWAYS make it work, and never give up on it. Giving up is easy, it is for chickens. Working at it is where the real fun is. Because if you do it right, the marriage will be all the stronger for it.

So what I learnt is this... 1) Always make an effort to communicate and talk about things, even the difficult things. There is no excuse to miscommunication, unless the other partner is not serious about the marriage. There is no right time to discuss the bad. It will always be a bad time. If we are all going to let the bad all pile up, when you blow like a volcano, the lava that explodes out is going to burn everything, even yourself. So really talk, really put aside your discomfort, your pride, your sad ways of clinging on to hurt, and really work at picking apart any issues that might be making you upset.

2) There are always 2 sides to anything. Each side, has its own basis, has its own reasoning, and has its own pattern of understanding. Hear each other out. Communication is all about trying to understand the other party and trying to work towards a compromise. Really hear each other out, instead of just listening to the words. Behind the words, there is pride, and if you really make an effort to listen beyond the pride, you will hear the real message. Treasure what is being shared, because when you lay aside your pride, you are at your most vulnerable. Don't stomp all over your partner's feelings. Gather what is being shared, listen to your own vulnerabilities, and be open back to your partner. If you don't open up, there won't be any real sharing or compromise.

3) Patience. Remember why you married your partner, why you love him/her. The differences between the both of you might drive you nuts, but it might also be why you love them. Patience is key here. Before you start going all active in your volcano eruptions, calm yourself down first, by asking if it would solve anything. Love and patience come together hand in hand. If you have to walk away to calm yourself down, do that. But don't go to bed angry. Sweet love doesn't happen when you are all worked up and angry.

It helps if you understand what you are working towards in the marriage. What both your goals are. Will Smith spoke in Oprah, that he has a business model in his marriage, where both he and Jada have a business goal. He said, all businesses have a goal, why shouldn't marriage? Good point. So, what is your goal. What do both parties within a marriage work towards. My goal (and my husband's) is to grow old gracefully together. At the end of our lives, we aspire to still care and love each other passionately, and to be still happy with each other. We will still hold hands and still be look at each other and laugh at each other. We are working towards our marriage goal. We are working hard... especially trying not to bring work stress and parenting stress to muddle up our marriage. Hard at times, but it is all worth it...

My 2 cents worth to marriage. :) I still look at my wedding pictures and think back to those heady dreamy happiness. I regret spending all that time and money trying to make the wedding perfect. But damn! I sure looked good... Now back to my diet plans to gain back my svelte figure... haha...

The HEART of a Home

I believe in every home, there will always be one person that the home revolves around. That person would be like the "soul" of the family, the one person that people go home to.

In my family, it would be my auntie. My auntie who never married, who dedicated her life to looking after my brother and me, and managing the household for my parents. She is my mom's elder sis and her work is so much more important than just going to the office and doing paperwork. Her work is intrinsically precious. It involves infusing the home with love and togetherness.

My brother and I have since moved out after marriage, forming our own families. But what we are, my auntie contributed greatly. She taught us the basics of caring, and nourishing the family. She showed us the grace in which to manage the household efficiently, and she gave us the benchmark for us to work towards in our own small family. When we go home, something is always not right when my auntie is not around. The home feels empty and neglected. You feel her absence with a distinct pang.

The food my auntie places on our tables, we taste our childhood, we taste our joy and her love. The simple things she buys for us, shows us her love and concern. She knows our likes and dislikes, and she caters as much as she can to us. She keeps us together when we fight and squabble, and reminds us of what is important. She constantly admonishes us to drop our pride, and understand the real value of family. She is the glue that keeps us together. My auntie is priceless...

We take her for granted, and we always assume that she will always be around for us. But time never stops, and before we know it, she would have gone to heaven. The soul of my family would be gone, and it would fall on me and my brother to carry on the tradition of keeping the family together with love. You can't trade family for anything. Family is what you are born with, and will stay with you throughout your entire life. They will be there for you when you need it, and will always be there to support you and give you courage to move forward in your life.

I can only hope that I have my auntie's grace, and that I am the soul of my young family. I sincerely hope that my daily care and love gives my husband and daughters joy. May my food nourish their bodies as well as their souls. My children will grow up, leave home and form their own families. I pray that they will always come home to me, no matter what...

The Passing of Days and Thoughts

So, it has been 3 years since I last wrote in this lil blog of mine. It took a nice comment from Christian (thanks Chris!) to make me re-visit it. I read what I wrote 3 years ago and I realise that I truly like what I wrote. I also liked reading my thoughts then, and comparing my present feelings and thoughts. What has changed? What has progressed and matured in me, and what is it that I am dissatisfied with?

Deep thoughts, simple thoughts, they all lead to one thing. With awareness, you are able to understand yourself deeper and you are able to feel life for what it is, instead of just plain cruising through it.

3 years down the road, I am still struggling through what life hands out to me. Struggling gives a connotation that my life is hard. That is not really true. I can safely say I am "happy". There are good days, there are bad days. But I go through the bad days, remembering the good days, remembering that in life, only I can choose to be "happy". Nobody can make me happy, but myself. The key is, how I choose to react to life's moments. Therein lies my "struggle". To be generally "happy" through ALL my days, with grace.

In light of all this, I am going to make myself a promise. To write often in this blog. To chronicle my passing of days and thoughts. I guess it can be a window to myself, for my children. When Leia and Anya are adults in their own right, this can be their inspiration to life. My small legacy of what is innately ME. Not necessarily in their perception, of just their mom. But another person that they never knew. I love them so much, I have no words to express the depth of my emotions. May they grow up well, may they grow up beautiful, both inside as well as outside. May they understand the power of love, and have it in them to enjoy love in its entirety. May they always have the strength and courage to just be themselves, and still be happy. May they understand that it is only with obstacles and hardships that you truly learn, and you truly progress. Above all else, may they understand that I will always be with them every step of the way, whether they want it or not. (Note : I might have the makings of a Stalker!)

It is funny now, looking back at my younger days. I have been seriously naughty. I am glad my parents didn't really know how naughty! I would have forever been grounded. I think I would give myself nightmares trying to imagine the level of naughtiness my daughters will be getting themselves into, given the stuff that I did do... I only have this to say in my defense - I am not where I am today (I am in a good place - trust me!), if I didn't go through all those episodes of craziness, stupidity and rebellion. (Note to self : Read this mantra over and over again, when I am banging my head over future teenage rebellion!)

What do I want to focus on now in my life? Firstly, my husband. It has taken a series of unfortunate events to realise that my neglection of him has been gross. Yes, we got stuck in the rut of parenthood. Parenthood won't ever go away, but we can try to bring the magic of who we are, back into our lives again, and re-discover each other's beauty. That would be all the fun in itself! The re-discovery and the romance of being together because we chose to. Being committed to true communication and truly being there for each other.

Secondly, I want to concentrate on not coveting what I do not need to have. To be content and yet strive for better without all the distracting "I WANTs". If I can't have whatever it is now, then I could have it later if it all works out. But I will not make myself miserable just because I cannot have it now. So there!

Thirdly, since my dream is to be a author and get published with my very own successful novel, I need to get my ass moving! Get cracking and no procrastination is allowed! Start simmering the ideas, working out the story and start typing. I can't get published without a story. So please, let me be a good writer and let me work on something great so that I can fulfill my dreams and make myself even happier! :)

Another birthday has passed

I am officially one year older. I am not really one to really pay attention to my age. There are times when asked, I actually do not know my exact age. I have to do some maths in my head before I can say with accuracy, I am XX years old.

I actually like the way I am, with regards to my callous disregard to my age. I like to think that I am growing "wiser" and I am ageing like a fine wine. Each time I meet someone who bemoans on how they are one year older and how they are looming towards some BIG 3-0, or 4-0, or 5-0, I mentally roll my eyes. It is all part of life isn't it? How weird is it that you go through each year and look exactly as you were 5 years ago? It's totally unnatural!

With each laugh line that gathers around my eyes, I actually feel more comfortable in my own skin. Gone were the times where I kept second-guessing myself, and obsessing over the slightest bit of "criticism" that was mentioned in passing. I don't really care whether people think that I am "cool" or not. I do what I like to do. And that sure feels gooood... Although I, like every other woman, wish for miracles like not having cellulite, and wishing that the numbers on the weighing scale to not pop out in ever increasing numbers. (Note : I am not a saint)

Being a mother to an almost 2 year old gal is another totally great experience. It really brings out how selfish my existence was. Now, I no longer get to slouch on my couch to watch my favourite television programmes, I no longer get to be bookworm for 5 hours at a stretch. I no longer wakeboard for hours at a stretch with friends, and going out into the wee hours in the morning is no longer possible. There are times I do miss all those (just a twinge of "I wish" with a slight sigh). But really, I am having loads of fun with my lovely hubby G and my cute "terrible-twos" daughter Leia. I like that life progresses with the different stages. Just like the seasons of the year. Instead of spring, summer, autumn and winter, I get babyhood, toddlerhood, teenager, all through to seniorhood. At my 30s, I feel more settled than I have ever before.

Tell this to me when I was in my 20s, I would have thought you were bonkers... ;)