The Passing of Days and Thoughts

So, it has been 3 years since I last wrote in this lil blog of mine. It took a nice comment from Christian (thanks Chris!) to make me re-visit it. I read what I wrote 3 years ago and I realise that I truly like what I wrote. I also liked reading my thoughts then, and comparing my present feelings and thoughts. What has changed? What has progressed and matured in me, and what is it that I am dissatisfied with?

Deep thoughts, simple thoughts, they all lead to one thing. With awareness, you are able to understand yourself deeper and you are able to feel life for what it is, instead of just plain cruising through it.

3 years down the road, I am still struggling through what life hands out to me. Struggling gives a connotation that my life is hard. That is not really true. I can safely say I am "happy". There are good days, there are bad days. But I go through the bad days, remembering the good days, remembering that in life, only I can choose to be "happy". Nobody can make me happy, but myself. The key is, how I choose to react to life's moments. Therein lies my "struggle". To be generally "happy" through ALL my days, with grace.

In light of all this, I am going to make myself a promise. To write often in this blog. To chronicle my passing of days and thoughts. I guess it can be a window to myself, for my children. When Leia and Anya are adults in their own right, this can be their inspiration to life. My small legacy of what is innately ME. Not necessarily in their perception, of just their mom. But another person that they never knew. I love them so much, I have no words to express the depth of my emotions. May they grow up well, may they grow up beautiful, both inside as well as outside. May they understand the power of love, and have it in them to enjoy love in its entirety. May they always have the strength and courage to just be themselves, and still be happy. May they understand that it is only with obstacles and hardships that you truly learn, and you truly progress. Above all else, may they understand that I will always be with them every step of the way, whether they want it or not. (Note : I might have the makings of a Stalker!)

It is funny now, looking back at my younger days. I have been seriously naughty. I am glad my parents didn't really know how naughty! I would have forever been grounded. I think I would give myself nightmares trying to imagine the level of naughtiness my daughters will be getting themselves into, given the stuff that I did do... I only have this to say in my defense - I am not where I am today (I am in a good place - trust me!), if I didn't go through all those episodes of craziness, stupidity and rebellion. (Note to self : Read this mantra over and over again, when I am banging my head over future teenage rebellion!)

What do I want to focus on now in my life? Firstly, my husband. It has taken a series of unfortunate events to realise that my neglection of him has been gross. Yes, we got stuck in the rut of parenthood. Parenthood won't ever go away, but we can try to bring the magic of who we are, back into our lives again, and re-discover each other's beauty. That would be all the fun in itself! The re-discovery and the romance of being together because we chose to. Being committed to true communication and truly being there for each other.

Secondly, I want to concentrate on not coveting what I do not need to have. To be content and yet strive for better without all the distracting "I WANTs". If I can't have whatever it is now, then I could have it later if it all works out. But I will not make myself miserable just because I cannot have it now. So there!

Thirdly, since my dream is to be a author and get published with my very own successful novel, I need to get my ass moving! Get cracking and no procrastination is allowed! Start simmering the ideas, working out the story and start typing. I can't get published without a story. So please, let me be a good writer and let me work on something great so that I can fulfill my dreams and make myself even happier! :)