Fears, Phobias & Feelings...

There is something that I really fear... Being out of control. When there is a speed factor added to the feeling of being out of control, the simple fear becomes a constricting phobia. One of the moments of great phobia for me, was when my husband brought me to a ski slope for my very first time. Despite his best attempts at instruction, I could not grasp the rudiments of skiing at all, felt clumsy, completely lost, and totally panic stricken at the looming "steep" slope in front of me. It was a terror that has been imprinted in my mind and no matter what, it is something that I won't be able to forget no matter how much I would like to.


Recently, through the patience and good graces of my friends who are avid skiers (one of whom is actually a ski instructor), I actually managed to ski (and that was without my phobia choking me) and even managed to go down 2 green slopes. That is a big big big improvement of my dismal 1st attempt 10 years ago. I won't say that I am now very confident about skiing, and I definitely would not say that I love skiing. But what I did - I actually managed to conquer the fear/phobia sufficiently, to actually pick up the skillset of being a good beginner skier. That in itself is the achievement. Not the fact that I managed to ski down 2 green slopes.


The method in which my friend taught me was to explain the very basics of stopping, and what I needed to know to be comfortable in the sport of skiing. He then let me figure it out myself how to put the instruction into practice. He mentioned that he could get into the "over-explain" mode, and hence confuse me. So he would rather that he critique what I was doing, and guide me along to my own Eureka moment. It really helped that we were on a bunny slope and the slope was really gentle. It also helped that my pride didn't allow me to "chicken" out.


Just yesterday I was trying to explain the whole concept of phobias and fears to my husband and how I learnt that it was something that if you are determined enough with the right teachers, you can move beyond it. In an extremely defensive manner, he instead got really upset and started on how he tried his best and how was he to know the best way to teach me when his own friend taught him the way he taught me. He wanted me to understand how embarrassed he was at the fact that I kept recounting my 1st attempt of skiing to my friends and how it made him feel inept and totally useless. All of it was valid, I have to say. Unfortunately, in his ranting, it really didn't come across in the sensible way that I am recounting. What it made me feel even more confused and perplexed at how a recount of my own beating my phobia became something all about him and his ego. His accusations made me feel defensive and angry too.


He told me that all he wants to hear from me is a "thank you" for his attempts in teaching me, despite whether it was successful or not, and that's all he wants from me. I was quite taken aback, and in the midst of rising voices, I actually "apologised" and "thanked" him. I was not very happy doing it, and a lot of it had to do with the situation and delivery of words and the tone they were exchanged.


A whole night and most of a day's reflection and pondering later... I have to conclude - I am not sorry for feeling fear, and I am not sorry for recounting the story to my friends because they needed to know that I had a phobia to beat before they even took on the task of teaching me the sport of skiing. I really am that traumatised. On top of that, I am also not thankful to him for his teaching attempts, because at the very base of it all, I was scared shitless. It is damn hard to feel thankful when you are scared shitless. I think that point is also very valid.


However, what I will say is this. I am sorry that he felt inept and incompetent in his teaching. I am also sorry (I am most sincere in this point) that I was not that good enough a student to pick up his teaching style. I might be a good wakeboarder, but you will realise that the control is always with me. When in fear, just release the handle towing you, and you just bop in the water until the boat comes back for you. Easy Peasy... This doesn't happen in snow skiing, where in order to get the speed and thrills, you zoom down a steep slope FAST. Everything focuses on how you actually stop, which in my 1st attempt wasn't easy for me at all. Which brings us back to my phobia of losing control. In all fairness, he didn't know that about me, we were still a new couple. In fact, I don't think he knows that about me even after all these years. Who really talks in depth about our phobias?!


So now after the outburst, what we did achieve was having hurt and angry feelings on both sides, and a generally pettiness of not wanting to be near to each other, nor to talk to each other. I have come quite far, I actually recognised my escapist tendency in wanting to vent out and stew in anger, "punishing" the other party through cold torture. Instead what I did was to put it aside, and understand that in love, we do not do that and instead we need to embrace and take the first step in making amends. After all, in the light of the big picture, this is just a small little plop and hardly worth more negative energies that it received. I have reached out, and I still feel the chill.


My only question is this... Do I get any loving back? Do I go back to his good graces, or am I left out to hang until he decides I have received enough "punishment"? I can only say I don't think the answer is that easily answered. Isn't life grand?!!!