Working towards a Goal in your Marriage

My best friend's little sister Jo, just got herself engaged last Sunday. Going through her happy photos on her Facebook, I couldn't help but just "cringe" a little amid my feelings of happiness for her. It wasn't a case of sour grapes, let me assure you. It was more of - hey, that pure crazy overboard joy doesn't last... Mentally, I wanted to sling my arm across her shoulders, and sit her down to talk about the realities of marriage and partnership. However, I do know from my own experience, nobody at that time of happiness will really listen.

Is marriage bad? Of course not! I have now the experience of time and "wisdom" to temper my thoughts and emotions. Let me explain... In today's day and age where temptations abound, intrinsic selfishness encouraged, self gratification a given, and divorces commonplace, metaphorically real marriages are just not setting out on the right foot. Boy meets girl, boy likes girl, girl likes boy, followed by some dating, and if all is well, marriage happens. That's it. In most books and movies, the storyline always stops at the wedding. Then you get the "happily ever after" music in the background before the credits roll. That's not the way it is supposed to be. The real marriage happens after the wedding. That's where the real test is. That's where all your efforts need to go to.

The real person that is your mate, is not the mystical "the one" as Disney would like us to believe. It is the person that you are most compatible with, sharing the some goals, the same desires, and despite all the flaws that each person brings to the marriage, both parties in the marriage need to be committed to make it work. There is no special formula to follow to ensure a successful marriage. Just only a desire to ALWAYS make it work, and never give up on it. Giving up is easy, it is for chickens. Working at it is where the real fun is. Because if you do it right, the marriage will be all the stronger for it.

So what I learnt is this... 1) Always make an effort to communicate and talk about things, even the difficult things. There is no excuse to miscommunication, unless the other partner is not serious about the marriage. There is no right time to discuss the bad. It will always be a bad time. If we are all going to let the bad all pile up, when you blow like a volcano, the lava that explodes out is going to burn everything, even yourself. So really talk, really put aside your discomfort, your pride, your sad ways of clinging on to hurt, and really work at picking apart any issues that might be making you upset.

2) There are always 2 sides to anything. Each side, has its own basis, has its own reasoning, and has its own pattern of understanding. Hear each other out. Communication is all about trying to understand the other party and trying to work towards a compromise. Really hear each other out, instead of just listening to the words. Behind the words, there is pride, and if you really make an effort to listen beyond the pride, you will hear the real message. Treasure what is being shared, because when you lay aside your pride, you are at your most vulnerable. Don't stomp all over your partner's feelings. Gather what is being shared, listen to your own vulnerabilities, and be open back to your partner. If you don't open up, there won't be any real sharing or compromise.

3) Patience. Remember why you married your partner, why you love him/her. The differences between the both of you might drive you nuts, but it might also be why you love them. Patience is key here. Before you start going all active in your volcano eruptions, calm yourself down first, by asking if it would solve anything. Love and patience come together hand in hand. If you have to walk away to calm yourself down, do that. But don't go to bed angry. Sweet love doesn't happen when you are all worked up and angry.

It helps if you understand what you are working towards in the marriage. What both your goals are. Will Smith spoke in Oprah, that he has a business model in his marriage, where both he and Jada have a business goal. He said, all businesses have a goal, why shouldn't marriage? Good point. So, what is your goal. What do both parties within a marriage work towards. My goal (and my husband's) is to grow old gracefully together. At the end of our lives, we aspire to still care and love each other passionately, and to be still happy with each other. We will still hold hands and still be look at each other and laugh at each other. We are working towards our marriage goal. We are working hard... especially trying not to bring work stress and parenting stress to muddle up our marriage. Hard at times, but it is all worth it...

My 2 cents worth to marriage. :) I still look at my wedding pictures and think back to those heady dreamy happiness. I regret spending all that time and money trying to make the wedding perfect. But damn! I sure looked good... Now back to my diet plans to gain back my svelte figure... haha...